You have considerably more insight on this subject than I've managed so far in terms of the mirror of my own life. Thank you for writing about it.
I've now been divorced for three times longer than I was married. One would think I'd look at the evidence and accept that, while it's not impossible, spending the remaining years of my life happily married is not the way to bet, or even something that's reasonable to hope for, look for, expect, or work toward.
One would think.
I am happy for my friends who have won similar fantasy sweepstakes in their lives. My own history has shown that I do pretty darned well on the friendship front. Amazingly, even, especially when I look back to my pre- and proto-fannish days in the first few years of the '80s, when my support system for daily life consisted of three people -- my husband, my sister-in-law, and one additional friend. All of them were gone from my life within a 2-year period. Different reasons -- death, divorce, the additional friend entering a marriage that left no room for our friendship -- same result.
The work I put into building a much broader, stronger support system was no doubt affected by that experience. I've never thought about it before now, but it seems rather likely that the experience also handicapped my romantic relationship skills and sensibilities.
"Closet heterosexual," yeah, I remember that. As people, we like to figure things out about each other, and in the absence of information, we make it up. I once held a similar view about two women. They were obviously close friends. They never seemed to date or seem all that interested in men, but they'd get dolled up and dance together when out to see fannish bands playing in bars. They were both utterly hetero, and are both married to men now. They were trying to attract men with their finery and dance floor flash, but the trick wasn't working. In that time, in that place. Things eventually went the way they hoped, it just took a long time.
And so life goes. For us, for others. At least it's interesting, with a fair bit of fun along the way.
no subject
I've now been divorced for three times longer than I was married. One would think I'd look at the evidence and accept that, while it's not impossible, spending the remaining years of my life happily married is not the way to bet, or even something that's reasonable to hope for, look for, expect, or work toward.
One would think.
I am happy for my friends who have won similar fantasy sweepstakes in their lives. My own history has shown that I do pretty darned well on the friendship front. Amazingly, even, especially when I look back to my pre- and proto-fannish days in the first few years of the '80s, when my support system for daily life consisted of three people -- my husband, my sister-in-law, and one additional friend. All of them were gone from my life within a 2-year period. Different reasons -- death, divorce, the additional friend entering a marriage that left no room for our friendship -- same result.
The work I put into building a much broader, stronger support system was no doubt affected by that experience. I've never thought about it before now, but it seems rather likely that the experience also handicapped my romantic relationship skills and sensibilities.
"Closet heterosexual," yeah, I remember that. As people, we like to figure things out about each other, and in the absence of information, we make it up. I once held a similar view about two women. They were obviously close friends. They never seemed to date or seem all that interested in men, but they'd get dolled up and dance together when out to see fannish bands playing in bars. They were both utterly hetero, and are both married to men now. They were trying to attract men with their finery and dance floor flash, but the trick wasn't working. In that time, in that place. Things eventually went the way they hoped, it just took a long time.
And so life goes. For us, for others. At least it's interesting, with a fair bit of fun along the way.