Corflu Anxiety
Feb. 16th, 2011 08:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I can't resist the subject-line, because it makes me think of the Mel Brooks parody of Corflu, but that's not really what this is about.
I generally had a terrific time at E Corflu Vitus. I saw lots of friends, got plenty of egoboo, ate good food, and felt the pulse of fandom hot beneath my finger. Yet my experience was colored throughout by a fair amount of anxiety. This is not exactly unusual for me at a Corflu. Typically I experience a slightly desperate feeling of not being able to give everybody the attention they deserve. This time it seemed stronger, more like performance anxiety, and more challenging to my sense of self-worth. Which is very strange to me, because as I said before, I got a lot of love from my friends, and yet somehow -- sometimes -- I was turning it into a feeling of loneliness and unworthiness.
My only theory -- going with that sense of performance anxiety -- is that I was feeling that I needed to be on at all moments. It was like being on stage 24/7. There was a certain manic quality to the fun, and I think I must have been feeling brittle. I remember that in the last couple of days before the convention, I wasn't sure I was ready for the level of energy you find at a Corflu. I wasn't sure I was up for it.
Well, I don't want to make too much of it. It was only one thread in the fabric. But it has lingered in the days since, so there's something going on there. It reminds me of the mixed sense of towering elation and creeping uncertainty of my earliest conventions, and I thought I'd left that uncertainty far behind as my network of friends expanded. It would be a pity if it resurfaced at this late date, especially if it's because the network has actually gotten too big for my introverted self.
I generally had a terrific time at E Corflu Vitus. I saw lots of friends, got plenty of egoboo, ate good food, and felt the pulse of fandom hot beneath my finger. Yet my experience was colored throughout by a fair amount of anxiety. This is not exactly unusual for me at a Corflu. Typically I experience a slightly desperate feeling of not being able to give everybody the attention they deserve. This time it seemed stronger, more like performance anxiety, and more challenging to my sense of self-worth. Which is very strange to me, because as I said before, I got a lot of love from my friends, and yet somehow -- sometimes -- I was turning it into a feeling of loneliness and unworthiness.
My only theory -- going with that sense of performance anxiety -- is that I was feeling that I needed to be on at all moments. It was like being on stage 24/7. There was a certain manic quality to the fun, and I think I must have been feeling brittle. I remember that in the last couple of days before the convention, I wasn't sure I was ready for the level of energy you find at a Corflu. I wasn't sure I was up for it.
Well, I don't want to make too much of it. It was only one thread in the fabric. But it has lingered in the days since, so there's something going on there. It reminds me of the mixed sense of towering elation and creeping uncertainty of my earliest conventions, and I thought I'd left that uncertainty far behind as my network of friends expanded. It would be a pity if it resurfaced at this late date, especially if it's because the network has actually gotten too big for my introverted self.
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Date: 2011-02-16 06:36 pm (UTC)Me, I'm mostly just jealous because I didn't get to go but also want to say a me too to the anxiety. Cons are pressure cookers (and other assorted metaphors) and can leave one feeling quite drained.
My anxiety is probably is still that early stage anxiety that you mention. Even tho' I've been knocking around fandom for quite a while, I've immersed myself only a little and so haven't spread my network as far as I could.
However given the high pressure, draining nature of conventions - could it be just post con blues you're experiencing?
Regards
Jim
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Date: 2011-02-16 06:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2011-02-16 07:02 pm (UTC)Ironically, for me, the moment I finally settled and understood I was there, it was real, and it would all be fine was when we met at the market in Alameda.
Mind you, I wouldn't have done that talk about fan art stone cold sober...
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Date: 2011-02-16 07:53 pm (UTC)I think you should write the Mel Brooks parody of Corflu.
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Date: 2011-02-16 08:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2011-02-19 12:39 am (UTC)Personally, I had such a good time before the con (in a holiday phase and then a fans-gathering-but-not-conventioneering phase) that I expected the con itself to be a winding down, a real relaxacon I suppose. And on Friday night I just didn't feel up to finding the fun, and indeed on Sunday night the post-con feeling did kick in a little early. But overall I found Corflu reached further heights -- and, for what it's worth, the point at which I felt we'd reached critical mass was also when you and Tom appeared in the market. Which is partly why I squeaked.
How does that feeling you mentioned of needing to be on all the time compare to having been a fan fund delegate?
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