If I were going to advocate on this stuff, I would advocate the notion that the failure to create a love relationship between any particular two people may not be a matter of fault, or blame, at all and that the real underlying societal problem is the belief that just because something happens, or doesn't (and not just in romance) there always has to be someone who can be held accountable for it. But sometimes shit just happens, or doesn't. You're just sitting there minding your own business enjoying your lunch, and all of a sudden a dead dragonfly drops into your sandwich. There is no one to blame for that.
I'll also mention an interesting observation that came out of a discussion Hal and I had about working polyamorous relationships years back. I had just had the insight that any given relationship between two people (A&B) is actually (at least) two relationships: A's relationship to B and B's relationship to A (because the beliefs, desires, needs, expectations, etc. of each person are never 100% congruent with or transparent to, the other, or even close, and yet each person is going to have to deal with the others' needs, desires, expectations, and beliefs on an ongoing basis). That meant that adding a third participant entailed a lot more complexity to manage: going from two relationships to six, three times as many. Add a fourth person, and there are twelve relationships to manage and integrate, or twice as many as for three people. And so on. But Hal's big insight was that this still meant that the biggest jump in complexity is from being single to being in a couple is a jump from zero to two, which is infinitely more relationships. Based on that analysis, it's almost miraculous that we ever wind up in stable couples at all.
Since that epiphany, I've been inclined to see singleness as a more normal and predictable outcome for people over time than society does generally. To make a long term pair bond work you have to manage your own needs, beliefs, and expectations as well as someone else's. If you're just solo, it's possible to believe a lot of idealized crap about both yourself and the object(s) of your desires. Once you're in the trenches, you kinda have to deal with the messy realities, which typically don't conform to anyone's ideals. Heck, it often requires practical experience before you can even sort out what you actually need from someone else, as versus what you thought you needed, or wanted.
I've seen a lot of people wanting to blame Elliott Rodger's violent breakdown on institutional sexism, and Men's Rights Advocates and such, but personally I think that the ways in which our society thinks about love and sex and relationships is much more broadly broken than that, and that Elliott Rodger himself was much more comprehensively broken than that, as well.
no subject
I'll also mention an interesting observation that came out of a discussion Hal and I had about working polyamorous relationships years back. I had just had the insight that any given relationship between two people (A&B) is actually (at least) two relationships: A's relationship to B and B's relationship to A (because the beliefs, desires, needs, expectations, etc. of each person are never 100% congruent with or transparent to, the other, or even close, and yet each person is going to have to deal with the others' needs, desires, expectations, and beliefs on an ongoing basis). That meant that adding a third participant entailed a lot more complexity to manage: going from two relationships to six, three times as many. Add a fourth person, and there are twelve relationships to manage and integrate, or twice as many as for three people. And so on. But Hal's big insight was that this still meant that the biggest jump in complexity is from being single to being in a couple is a jump from zero to two, which is infinitely more relationships. Based on that analysis, it's almost miraculous that we ever wind up in stable couples at all.
Since that epiphany, I've been inclined to see singleness as a more normal and predictable outcome for people over time than society does generally. To make a long term pair bond work you have to manage your own needs, beliefs, and expectations as well as someone else's. If you're just solo, it's possible to believe a lot of idealized crap about both yourself and the object(s) of your desires. Once you're in the trenches, you kinda have to deal with the messy realities, which typically don't conform to anyone's ideals. Heck, it often requires practical experience before you can even sort out what you actually need from someone else, as versus what you thought you needed, or wanted.
I've seen a lot of people wanting to blame Elliott Rodger's violent breakdown on institutional sexism, and Men's Rights Advocates and such, but personally I think that the ways in which our society thinks about love and sex and relationships is much more broadly broken than that, and that Elliott Rodger himself was much more comprehensively broken than that, as well.