Static

"The protagonist is mired deeper and deeper in the falseness of the world. The plot literally thickens around him. Fatally, he may think he understands himself, but in fact every move he makes deepens his amnesia, which coils through Thickening like fog; intensifies his resistance, his golem-like rigidity at the threat of change. It is a Gnostic phase: the truth is occluded, which allows us to lie to ourselves constantly."

Remembering Anita Rowland

News has come that Anita died today. This was not unexpected. People at the pubmeet yesterday who had visited her in the hospital earlier said it was expected she could go at any time. She was on painkillers. I think it was Carrie who said that when she and Andy were there, Anita woke for a bit laughing with delight at something she'd been dreaming, though she couldn't say what it was.

She had been undergoing a variety of chemo treatments for a very long time. I'm not sure how long exactly, but it seems like it's been a couple of years. I remember that when she started one of the first treatments, she lost all her hair. She came up behind me at a pubmeet and rubbed my head and said, "I'm a cueball like you now!"

We didn't have a close personal friendship, but we had a friendly relationship as members of the same social group and interacted in various ways over the years. I remember that at the one California Potlatch I've been to -- at the Jack London Inn on the Oakland waterfront in 1998 -- she was the first person that Tami and I ran into when we got to the hotel the day before the convention started. She was off to print a fanzine called Anita's Book of Days, which she had put together from things she'd written for her online journal. When I remembered this moment today, I realized that she was probably the first person I knew to take her web writing and make a zine out of it, and thus was an early model for what I'm doing now. She was probably the first person I knew to keep an online journal, although my memory could be playing me false there. holyoutlaw and athenais were other early adopters that I was also aware of.

(Update: I'd forgotten that Tami and I met her at the airport in Seattle and then shared a taxi with her in Oakland, although I did remember eating dinner with her in the great soul food restaurant in the hotel. Oh yeah, and we all watched Xena together that night too! That was all a lot of fun. The pictures she posted remind me that she was also an early adopter of digital cameras.)

I remember running into her another time -- or actually I guess it was the other way around -- when AP and I were at the Elysian having a brew and flirting with Hazel, and Anita appeared out the blue, apparently expecting to meet up with another friend. She sat with us at the bar while she waited, but the friend never did show, as I recall. She was living in her condo on Capitol Hill at the time, and she told us stories about the difficulties of serving on the condo board. She always seemed to be doing grown-up things like that: serving on a condo board, organizing blogger meet-ups, running the hospitality suite at Potlatch. From a distance, she just seemed incredibly competent, energetic, and organized, with a real curiosity about people. That night in the Elysian she took the random opportunity created by our encounter to ask me about my job and my background. Maybe it was the first time she'd turned her curiosity on me, and I felt delighted by the attention.

(Update: I see that I misremembered a number of details on this story too. It's sweet to have Anita's journal out there as a kind of permanent memory.)

She was a fan of movies. She showed up at the fannish expedition to see the restored Metropolis that I organized in my own rather half-assed way. A few months later, I put out the word that an interesting-looking old French film noir called Quai des Orfèvres was playing at the Varsity and that I'd be going to such-and-such a showing if anybody wanted to join me. She was the only one who showed up. I think it was the only time that I hung out with Anita one-on-one. After the movie, which we both really enjoyed (she wrote about it on her blog), we went to the Big Time for a beer and chatted merrily about the movie and what was going on in our lives.

That was after she had married Jack in a wonderful high fannish ceremony at the IOOF Hall on Capitol Hill, where Anita indulged another one of her loves by arranging for some swing dancing on the old wooden floor. She and Jack seemed like such a great couple from my vantage. It was really sweet to me that they had found each other and were there for each other through some very difficult times. I feel so bad for Jack. The loss just seems unbearable.

She was only 51. All of us who know her will miss her calmness, her patience, her humor, her intelligence, her ability to reach out to others. The last time I saw her was at the November pubmeet. A stranger to our group had shown up, which is always an intimidating thing. Anita sat down next to her and talked to her for quite a while. I didn't hear what she said, but it was undoubtedly that human, bonding stuff. Showing interest, curious about this new person.

Bless you, Anita. You were one of a kind. I'm really glad to have known you.

[Update: The outpouring of love and admiration for Anita at Jack's LJ is awe-inspiring. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.]