Sorry, G., I see that I was being more than a bit of a tease there. The personal story is about a woman I longed after for a decade, pretty much all of the '90s. Saw her again recently and no longer felt anything. This left me feeling confused about that past decade in my life and all kinds of related things, including my sexuality, the absence of any kind of long term relationship to speak of.
But I think the real point of bringing it up in passing is that I'm feeling conflicted about writing about personal stuff here. It hits me more and more that I shouldn't write about anything in my LiveJournal that I wouldn't want the subject of my writing to read. I'm wrestling with that, meanwhile feeling that all I'm writing about now are politics, film, and science fiction.
I studied imaginary numbers at some point in high school. I made it as far as trigonometry and what was called elementary functions before I crapped out, but I never felt comfortable with mathematics, felt humiliated that I wasn't as smart in it as some of my close friends. (We called them the Math Jocks, and they won a state math championship our junior year.) Fascinating to hear that you you feel no shadows within yourself. I feel fewer than I once did, and mine were more the result of sins of omission than sins of commission. Or maybe simply the result of living for a while at a very young age in a culture where I was the odd man out. Is that why my sense of sexual agency never developed? Would it have been different if I had studied calculus? There is no easy way to resolve these paradoxes.
Thanks for expressing your frustration, by the way.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2008-11-09 02:35 am (UTC)But I think the real point of bringing it up in passing is that I'm feeling conflicted about writing about personal stuff here. It hits me more and more that I shouldn't write about anything in my LiveJournal that I wouldn't want the subject of my writing to read. I'm wrestling with that, meanwhile feeling that all I'm writing about now are politics, film, and science fiction.
I studied imaginary numbers at some point in high school. I made it as far as trigonometry and what was called elementary functions before I crapped out, but I never felt comfortable with mathematics, felt humiliated that I wasn't as smart in it as some of my close friends. (We called them the Math Jocks, and they won a state math championship our junior year.) Fascinating to hear that you you feel no shadows within yourself. I feel fewer than I once did, and mine were more the result of sins of omission than sins of commission. Or maybe simply the result of living for a while at a very young age in a culture where I was the odd man out. Is that why my sense of sexual agency never developed? Would it have been different if I had studied calculus? There is no easy way to resolve these paradoxes.
Thanks for expressing your frustration, by the way.