Corflu Anxiety
Feb. 16th, 2011 08:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
randy_byersI can't resist the subject-line, because it makes me think of the Mel Brooks parody of Corflu, but that's not really what this is about.
I generally had a terrific time at E Corflu Vitus. I saw lots of friends, got plenty of egoboo, ate good food, and felt the pulse of fandom hot beneath my finger. Yet my experience was colored throughout by a fair amount of anxiety. This is not exactly unusual for me at a Corflu. Typically I experience a slightly desperate feeling of not being able to give everybody the attention they deserve. This time it seemed stronger, more like performance anxiety, and more challenging to my sense of self-worth. Which is very strange to me, because as I said before, I got a lot of love from my friends, and yet somehow -- sometimes -- I was turning it into a feeling of loneliness and unworthiness.
My only theory -- going with that sense of performance anxiety -- is that I was feeling that I needed to be on at all moments. It was like being on stage 24/7. There was a certain manic quality to the fun, and I think I must have been feeling brittle. I remember that in the last couple of days before the convention, I wasn't sure I was ready for the level of energy you find at a Corflu. I wasn't sure I was up for it.
Well, I don't want to make too much of it. It was only one thread in the fabric. But it has lingered in the days since, so there's something going on there. It reminds me of the mixed sense of towering elation and creeping uncertainty of my earliest conventions, and I thought I'd left that uncertainty far behind as my network of friends expanded. It would be a pity if it resurfaced at this late date, especially if it's because the network has actually gotten too big for my introverted self.
I generally had a terrific time at E Corflu Vitus. I saw lots of friends, got plenty of egoboo, ate good food, and felt the pulse of fandom hot beneath my finger. Yet my experience was colored throughout by a fair amount of anxiety. This is not exactly unusual for me at a Corflu. Typically I experience a slightly desperate feeling of not being able to give everybody the attention they deserve. This time it seemed stronger, more like performance anxiety, and more challenging to my sense of self-worth. Which is very strange to me, because as I said before, I got a lot of love from my friends, and yet somehow -- sometimes -- I was turning it into a feeling of loneliness and unworthiness.
My only theory -- going with that sense of performance anxiety -- is that I was feeling that I needed to be on at all moments. It was like being on stage 24/7. There was a certain manic quality to the fun, and I think I must have been feeling brittle. I remember that in the last couple of days before the convention, I wasn't sure I was ready for the level of energy you find at a Corflu. I wasn't sure I was up for it.
Well, I don't want to make too much of it. It was only one thread in the fabric. But it has lingered in the days since, so there's something going on there. It reminds me of the mixed sense of towering elation and creeping uncertainty of my earliest conventions, and I thought I'd left that uncertainty far behind as my network of friends expanded. It would be a pity if it resurfaced at this late date, especially if it's because the network has actually gotten too big for my introverted self.
