That's an interesting question. At the time my TAFF trip was happening, I felt I was doing a pretty good job of being on pretty much all the time, but afterward I realized that I had still been my usual introverted self, which meant that at things like the Cambridge pubmeet, where I didn't know anybody very well (although there were people on hand like Tobes and Max who I had previously met), I was pretty quiet. Likewise the two panels I was on at Eastercon, where I felt intimidated and didn't have much to say. Yet I made new connections like mad everywhere I went, which I guess sort of stood in for "being on" in a performance sense.
Maybe the process of making new connections distracted me from my anxiety about entertaining people. At E Corflu Vitus I didn't make many new connections (although I did make a couple), so maybe I was more aware of the need to perform. Or of my "failures" to perform, which is just my normal introversion.
Or as I say, maybe I was just feeling a bit brittle in general. Work had been more stressful than usual in the lead-up to the trip. I was also having some strange issues with my body self-image, which could be an interesting side post about foreign mirrors and their unfamiliar reflections. (I always seem to look better in mirrors at home than elsewhere.) (Not that there's anything narcissistic about this subject!)
And it really is curious to wonder about why something like that meeting at the Alameda market felt like things clicking into place. Maybe it has to do with the fact that some very complicated logistics have come to fruition. It feels like a miracle somehow that such far flung friends can find each other that way.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-02-19 02:24 am (UTC)Maybe the process of making new connections distracted me from my anxiety about entertaining people. At E Corflu Vitus I didn't make many new connections (although I did make a couple), so maybe I was more aware of the need to perform. Or of my "failures" to perform, which is just my normal introversion.
Or as I say, maybe I was just feeling a bit brittle in general. Work had been more stressful than usual in the lead-up to the trip. I was also having some strange issues with my body self-image, which could be an interesting side post about foreign mirrors and their unfamiliar reflections. (I always seem to look better in mirrors at home than elsewhere.) (Not that there's anything narcissistic about this subject!)
And it really is curious to wonder about why something like that meeting at the Alameda market felt like things clicking into place. Maybe it has to do with the fact that some very complicated logistics have come to fruition. It feels like a miracle somehow that such far flung friends can find each other that way.