Corflu Anxiety

[randy_byers]

I can't resist the subject-line, because it makes me think of the Mel Brooks parody of Corflu, but that's not really what this is about.

I generally had a terrific time at E Corflu Vitus. I saw lots of friends, got plenty of egoboo, ate good food, and felt the pulse of fandom hot beneath my finger. Yet my experience was colored throughout by a fair amount of anxiety. This is not exactly unusual for me at a Corflu. Typically I experience a slightly desperate feeling of not being able to give everybody the attention they deserve. This time it seemed stronger, more like performance anxiety, and more challenging to my sense of self-worth. Which is very strange to me, because as I said before, I got a lot of love from my friends, and yet somehow -- sometimes -- I was turning it into a feeling of loneliness and unworthiness.

My only theory -- going with that sense of performance anxiety -- is that I was feeling that I needed to be on at all moments. It was like being on stage 24/7. There was a certain manic quality to the fun, and I think I must have been feeling brittle. I remember that in the last couple of days before the convention, I wasn't sure I was ready for the level of energy you find at a Corflu. I wasn't sure I was up for it.

Well, I don't want to make too much of it. It was only one thread in the fabric. But it has lingered in the days since, so there's something going on there. It reminds me of the mixed sense of towering elation and creeping uncertainty of my earliest conventions, and I thought I'd left that uncertainty far behind as my network of friends expanded. It would be a pity if it resurfaced at this late date, especially if it's because the network has actually gotten too big for my introverted self.

Comments

[fishlifter.livejournal.com]

I promised (or threatened) a continuation tonight of our multi-media conversation and somehow it seems to fit better here than in your overall con report, for all that I enjoyed that for both the things I knew about/shared and the things you got to do that I missed.

Personally, I had such a good time before the con (in a holiday phase and then a fans-gathering-but-not-conventioneering phase) that I expected the con itself to be a winding down, a real relaxacon I suppose. And on Friday night I just didn't feel up to finding the fun, and indeed on Sunday night the post-con feeling did kick in a little early. But overall I found Corflu reached further heights -- and, for what it's worth, the point at which I felt we'd reached critical mass was also when you and Tom appeared in the market. Which is partly why I squeaked.

How does that feeling you mentioned of needing to be on all the time compare to having been a fan fund delegate?

[randy-byers.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting question. At the time my TAFF trip was happening, I felt I was doing a pretty good job of being on pretty much all the time, but afterward I realized that I had still been my usual introverted self, which meant that at things like the Cambridge pubmeet, where I didn't know anybody very well (although there were people on hand like Tobes and Max who I had previously met), I was pretty quiet. Likewise the two panels I was on at Eastercon, where I felt intimidated and didn't have much to say. Yet I made new connections like mad everywhere I went, which I guess sort of stood in for "being on" in a performance sense.

Maybe the process of making new connections distracted me from my anxiety about entertaining people. At E Corflu Vitus I didn't make many new connections (although I did make a couple), so maybe I was more aware of the need to perform. Or of my "failures" to perform, which is just my normal introversion.

Or as I say, maybe I was just feeling a bit brittle in general. Work had been more stressful than usual in the lead-up to the trip. I was also having some strange issues with my body self-image, which could be an interesting side post about foreign mirrors and their unfamiliar reflections. (I always seem to look better in mirrors at home than elsewhere.) (Not that there's anything narcissistic about this subject!)

And it really is curious to wonder about why something like that meeting at the Alameda market felt like things clicking into place. Maybe it has to do with the fact that some very complicated logistics have come to fruition. It feels like a miracle somehow that such far flung friends can find each other that way.